Hard Makes Us Human

I try to keep this little blog of mine happy whenever I can, but sometimes this place gets a little gritty.  Sometimes, like today, I struggle with which parts of my life I should share.  A big reason that I have been avoiding this place is because there is a big part of my life that I wouldn't call happy.

I've mentioned it before, my grandmother has Alzheimer's.  And it's hard.

It's hard for my grandmother.
Its hard for her to not be able to express herself the way she once did.
It's hard for her to control her emotions.
It's hard for her to cope with the frustration that comes with the challenges of the every day.

It's hard for my grandfather.  
It's hard for him to understand her.
It's hard for him to keep his patience when she is having a terrible day.
It's hard for him to manage both of their lives.

It's hard for my family.
It's hard to be around her on bad days.
It's hard to recognize her even on the good days.
It's hard to see who she's become.

It's hard for me.
It's hard to have things to say, but know she won't understand.
It's hard to take the unintentional outbursts.
It's hard for me to find the patience that love requires.

Some nights it's hard to sleep.  Some days it's hard to concentrate.  Sometimes I worry I am going to snap.  Sometimes, its easy to pretend everything is fine and forget that life used to be different.  Sometimes, I cry.

I try to remind myself that we all face hardships.  There are so many people that have to cope with disease.  And this isn't even my disease. I know someday this "hardship" will turn into a loss and that helps me to appreciate the good time I have with her and forgive the bad.  Some bad is easier to let go of than the rest.

Its so easy to get bogged down by the negative, the unanswered questions, the fears and the mistakes.  I think the silver lining to all this is that I have a greater appreciation for all the wonderful things that are going on in my life right now.

I feel so lucky to have incredibly supportive friends- most of which, if you had asked me 5 years ago who my support team would be, they wouldn't have been on the list.  Life has a wonderful way of surprising you like that- bringing you the people you need at the times you need them most.  Relationships with family members that once felt strained have developed into a strong bond. Also, I feel confident that I am where I am suppose to be.

I think it's okay for things to be hard.  I think hard makes us stronger.  I think hard makes us more vulnerable.  I think hard makes us human.

Inspired and Recommitted

I am so blessed to be friends with some pretty incredible women.  I try to surround myself with women that inspire me, challenge me and have traits I try to emulate.  Some of my friends are outspoken, but honest.  Some have incredible passion, courage and strength.  Some are fighters.  Some have unwavering faith.  But all of them have one thing in common, they are all great friends.

Last weekend, I got to watch some of my these women complete a half marathon.  For three of them it was their first half marathon- something that they approached with nervous determination.  I loved that I got to spend my day being a support system and a cheerleader for women that have so often been cheering me on in the race called life.  I was both proud and very inspired.

Someday, I will be able to cross running a half marathon off my bucket list too and I was re-inspired to reach that goal by watching them on Sunday. 

Here are some snapshot of the weekend, my beautiful friends and their incredible achievement!  

Checking out the expo with my little running belles!

Proud to be a part of one awesome cheer squad!

I know they got emotional crossing the finish line, but I was emotional for them too- thank God for dark sunglasses!  

The last few weeks have been a real struggle for me with sticking to my personal health and fitness goals.  You see outside of a squat challenge I have been doing with a few girlfriends,  I haven't exactly been a gym regular.  I am a creature of habit, and when travel and scenery locations forced me to change my habits, I fell off the wagon.  I was eating my feeling,  eating out of boredom and eating, just to eat... oh and not hitting my daily calorie burn- not even close!  

It's easy to make excuses and it's hard to make sacrifices, but enough is enough. Starting now, (well as soon as what I am calling food poisoning, because I refuse to believe I have a stomach bug, goes away) I am back to focusing on my health.  Back to eating lots of fruits and veggies, and putting in my time at the gym.  Back to working my way, slowly but surely, to my own half marathon finish.  And back to being worth more than a basket of french fries dipped in ranch.  

Thank you to my girls, for inspiring me to get myself back on track again.  Love you all and I'm so proud of your accomplishments.  Next time, maybe I'll be crossing the finish line with you!

Withdrawls

On Sunday I spent most of my day fighting off the shakes of alcohol withdrawal.  You know the kind.  The, "I can't stand for long periods of time or lift anything heavier than a sheet over my head" kind.  My body was in revolt!  But my spirit was elevated.  Today, I'm suffering from a different type of withdrawal.  I miss my people!

I had one of those weekends.   A weekend that proved we know how to throw a sophisticated kegger.   A weekend that reminded me how important it is to have fun.  A weekend that confirmed, that I know some of the best people in the world. A weekend that made me feel more solidarity with my decisions and oddly enough, a stronger sense of self than I have known in some time.  A weekend filled with more laughter, sidewalk singing, living room dancing and fun than I have ever had.  A weekend that proved to me that sometimes you have to leave something behind to know it's value. It's true,  despite the two day hangover,  I am practically euphoric.  

I told you last week that Tequila Sunrise is a magical time, but it was so much more than just drinking (excessively) with 20 of my favorite people. Strangely, it reminded me how important it is to have balance and that withdrawing is painful but necessary. 

You see,  I have been really focused for the last year.  I have focused almost solely on my career because that was the safe things to do, it was something I could control and feel successful with.   Men had left me shattered, friends had let me down and my family was going through uncharted changes.  All types of relationships had hurt me and it seemed the best thing for me to do was shut it all out for a while.  Some might call it selfish.  Some might call it survival.  I called it necessary.

I needed to figure out how to fix myself without relying on everyone else to be responsible for my happiness. Mostly though, I didn't know who I was anymore and I needed to figure that out without distractions or expectations to live up to. And slowly but surely, the last year has helped me determine who I really am.  

But now, there's a definitely a void.  I miss the relationships.  

I miss my friends.  My hilarious, supportive, fantastic, insightful, crazy, good people friends.  I don't think I have ever fully appreciated how valuable friendships are.  Whether I have known them since elementary school or we had our first real conversation on the patio this weekend, it has become abundantly clear that I am blessed to know some of the most awesome people in the world (my little world at least).  I miss being there for their babies growing up, their boyfriends dumping them or that last minute happy hour.  I miss the inside jokes, the reliving of awkward moments and the heart to hearts.  I miss my friends.

I miss my family.  I miss Sunday morning french toast with my grandfather while we watch Star Wars for the millionth time and trying to keep my grandmother from going on political rants.   I miss my silly brothers and sisters and watching them grow.  I miss opportunities to strengthen my bonds with my family members.  I don't want to miss any of the early years with my siblings or the later years with my grandparents. I miss my family. 

I miss having a guy in my life.  I miss awkward first dates and that rollercoaster feeling in my stomach when I kiss someone.  I miss telling my boyfriend about my day and cooking dinner together.  I miss catching that special someone giving me the look he saves only for me.  I miss staying up all night talking because sleep seems so much less exciting.  I miss taking care of someone in the little ways and noticing the little ways he takes care of me.  I miss having a shot at love.  

I needed time to just be.  Alone. Single. Independent.  But I think I'm ready to start finding work/life balance again. I've got the work part covered, but it's about time I spend more time on the life part.  I miss the fun.  I miss the people.  I miss making memories that make life worth living.  I'm ready for it all; the good and the bad.

Ha,  I bet you never thought a post about Tequila Sunrise would get so deep huh?  Well it did, and I'm not sorry for partying, or sorry for the incredible high I have from spending my weekend with great people in a great place.  Like I said, I am having friend withdrawals now, but the good news is, I am no longer going to stop myself from getting my fix!  

See You On The Other Side Of The Sunrise, The Tequila Sunrise

About this time last year, you may have read this post about a beloved NAU tradition called Tequila Sunrise. Last year, I was pretty bummed to not be joining my fellow alumni for the shenanigans that were about to take place, but not this year.  My bags are packed, my legs are shaved and I am off to Flagstaff for arguably the best weekend of the year!

For those of you that don't know, Tequila Sunrise is a magical weekend in Flagstaff, Arizona where the bars open at 6AM and no matter your age, you become 21 again.  Somehow the disgustingly crowded bar, sticky floors and drink spilling doesn't bother you because everywhere you go you run into a familiar face from your college years.  You trade you taste for fine wine in for cheap mixed drinks and keg stands. Your fear of hangovers vanishes as you shot gun beers, take shot-ski's and drink to your hearts content. Once you've had your fill of the bars or lose your debit card, you hop a ride to the dome where the party continues at tailgating.  Once all the alcohol in the parking lot is consumed, you sneak back for a nap before finishing the evening at the bars. Then Sunday morning comes, and just like Cinderella you've lost a shoe (and probably some of your dignity) and the magic is gone.  But never fear, because Tequila Sunrise will be waiting for your return the following October.

In honor of my 4th Tequila Sunrise, I thought I would share some memories from the past.

In 2008, I had been out of school for a little over a year.  It was so important to attend Tequila Sunrise, that we went to a friends wedding and then drove up the hill to Flagstaff at 4AM.  That is dedication to early morning drinking.

 In 2009, again there was some poorly planned commitment, so we drove up in the morning. I must not have partied that hard this year, because I look pretty sober in these.  Although, I don't remember much about this year... hmm.

In 2011, we did Tequila Sunrise right.  We drove up Friday night and got a hotel.  This was the first and epic year of a little pre-party (yes, we have a pre-party for morning drinking.  Don't judge.  You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning, right?) we call Kegs and Eggs. This particular year, I wore my party pants!  I must have lost said party pants right before the game though, because as you can see, I thought the middle of a football game, in the stadium, was a good time for a nap.  Clearly my mistake was going to the game.

 So what does 2013 hold?  Only time will tell.  I plan on making this the best Tequila Sunrise yet.  I've been training hydrating for weeks in preparation.  My party pants and my drunk coat are packed and I'll see you on the other side of the Tequila Sunrise!