What's Been Weighing Me Down

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I was a very thin, healthy and athletic kid.  I even had some success with modeling, although, I was always told I should try and lose a few pounds.  I danced during every waking hour that I wasn't at school and I ate crap.  It didn't matter to me because I never gained a pound.  On competition days, I would have my grandmother bring me a Chicken Nuggets Family Meal from McDonalds.  I would put back both large french fries, all 20 nuggets and both cokes and then ask to stop for ice cream on the way home.  But then I got older.  Injuries plagued me and eventually I couldn't keep up with the activity I loved.  Unfortunately my diet didn't change.

I was off to college where I drank a days worth of calories 4 out of 7 nights a week and ate a diet of pasta with cream sauces, fried chicken sandwiches, Ramen Noodles, and anything they served at "Fat Kids" (the name we lovingly called the campus dining hall).  I walked around campus and even managed to fit in a few workout classes for credit, but that was the beginning of my weight struggle. I would crash diet before formals and my weight yo-yo'd a lot.

After college the walking stopped, the required workout classes stopped, and I got a sedentary job behind a desk.  Sure, I have had some success with diets and workout fixations, but in the end, I always gained it all back and more.   I have gained almost 100 pounds since I left for college.  That's 10 pounds a year.  

Even though I don't like to admit it, I know why I keep gaining the weight.  It's not because I can't control what I eat.  It's not because I can't get to the gym.  It's not because I don't know what to do.

It's because in my heart of hearts, I don't believe I deserve it.  I sabotage myself every time I commit to a health or fitness goal.  Those issues are worthy of their own post, but for now let's just say, I crave love from others, but I need to learn how to love myself first.

This year, I am finally saying enough is enough.  I deserve more.  I deserve to be healthy.  I deserve to be happy with the person I see in the mirror and most of all, I deserve the incredible life I have been denying myself.  

I got a Kate Spade Idiom Bracelet for Christmas that says "This is the Year".  Those 4 words have become my mantra.  

This is the year I lose the weight.

This is the year I will learn to be proud of myself.

This is the year I will try new things.

This is the year I will grow my faith.

This is the year I will drink more water and give up soda.

This is the year I will get more involved with my community.

Damn it, this is the year!

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